nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I belong to my Grams...

This morning my Grams set her hand on mine and said, totally out of the blue, "We always thought of you as one of ours."

And I bowed my head and pretended to check the dishwasher while the tears welled up and I sniffed them away.

See, my parents were never married, and for the longest time, my bio-dad said I wasn't his. There wasn't ever a DNA test. My grandparents didn't pay attention to any of that and it was just accepted that I was their granddaughter.

And so this comment caught me off guard, threw me for a loop, hitting me even harder because I noticed, for the first time, something of my Grams in me. I have her feet. Of all the things to pass on to someone, right? Yes, I have her toes. Tiny stubby little things, but sturdy.

I'm my Gram's granddaughter. And every day that means more to me.

***

I'm wearing down, in energy and spirit both. Today's been one of those days where everything's making me weepy. We finally got our Christmas tree up 100%. Garland is on, decorations have been cleaned up and put on. And then we turned off the all the other lights in the house and sat, just looking. There's something magical about the first time the lights come on and make everything..glow. Sitting there, boys on either side of me,tears welling again, I could almost feel their anticipation and the thrill of believing in Santa Claus still. The innocence they still have and their faith amazes me.

And I wish I had it myself.

Some days are harder than others. Tomorrow will be better.

Happy almost Friday.

N.

10:20 p.m. - 2003-12-11

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