nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back on the day..

Back we are from the final game of the season. It wasn't really a game, more like an opportunity for the kids to let off some steam. Coach mixed it up, even had Ryan playing first base for awhile. For some reason, perhaps because he's still so small, the coaches really get a kick out of him. Head Coach made a point of telling everyone that today was Ry's birthday and they sang "Happy Birthday" to him. That combined with the birthday swats he kept getting from the other players had him almost purple at times. He likes attention on HIS terms, apparently. Rather funny.

I invited one of the other players to come along on Saturday on our outing. Not sure yet if it's a go, probably because I waited till the last second. I didn't have an address to send an invitation to so I verbally asked and since the child's parents weren't at the last game, it had to wait till this one. *sigh* We shall see. Ryan will be disappointed if both J. and Seth can't make it. J. is still a maybe because his mother, Can't Eat and Can't Poop (aka Trish), hasn't decided whether she's comfortable having him go half an hour away with us. She has indicated that perhaps J's dad Dan can go along as well..not sure how that's going to pan out.

At any rate, we'll be going regardless and the boys will have fun anyway.

***

The mosquitoes in my backyard are roughly the same size as the fireflies that are flitting about. No kidding there. They're HUGE. It's been awhile since the town sprayed and they're back in full force. I jokingly told the boys that they'd better watch or they'd be carried off by a swarm of them. That led to much chatter and nervous giggles at bedtime. I had to reassure them that that's why we have screens in the windows--to keep them out and the kiddos in. I can only imagine the dreams that will come tonight!

***

Today has been such a screwy day. One of those days where I'm not sure which end is up and everything is all flipping around. I can't seem to get organized today, don't seem to really be following any sort of itinerary. I spent some time yesterday scrubbing Gramps' floors and neatening up, as well as making him lunch and cleaning up dog hair. And I'll be back there tomorrow. Not my favorite job in the world---there's something really wrong with scrubbing on your hands and knees the same floor your grandfather shuffles across and pees on as he tries to make it to the toilet. Not pleasant. I have a strange sort of relationship with my Gramps. I love him, but still, at age 29, feel like a scared five year old. I've always been in awe of my Gramps, can remember gravitating more towards my lovey Grams than my gruff Gramps. I think sometimes I just need to remember that he needs people to love him and take care of him just as Grams does, but perhaps in a slightly different manner. He's lived his life, working hard and having the women in his world take care of him. With Grams incapacitated (and now in the nursing home) he doesn't really know what to do with himself. Sort of sad to see. I'll go up three times a week, some days taking my Grams over to see him, and do the tidying up as well as laundry and basic housekeeping. That is, until I find another job. Then my aunts will have to find someone else to play housekeeper. They won't enjoy that much--most likely will fall to them. I think that's one of the reasons they like me as much as they do--I'm multi-purposeful.

***

I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of shouldering all this...crap and just swallowing it all. I'm tired of being the person that people lean on. Sometimes the thought of leaning on someone else is really appealing. I don't know if I can let myself do that, though. I don't know how it would be, to let someone else take care of me now and again. It goes against my independent streak and my whole life's experience. Doesn't mean I'm not tired, though. Doesn't mean I'm not ready for a break. I'd like to go to sleep tonight and just sleep until I can't anymore. Days like that just don't come often enough.

Better days are in my future. I feel them coming. Just need to keep my chin up till they get here.

Right?

Happy evening. Enjoy the dark and the solitude and the comforting silence that comes with night.

N.

9:44 p.m. - 2004-07-28

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next