nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Fuckity fuck fuck fuck

I'm in a Gawd Awful headspace tonight so bear with me here. It's been one hellacious day. Life is kickin' the crap out of me today and I'm already bruised enough from wrangling with it. I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm just trying to tread water for a little while longer because I keep telling myself that something's got to give. I keep thinking that I'm going to get a break somewhere here, that hard work and perseverance really do pay off.
I keep telling myself that so that one of these days I'll start to believe it. This isn't anything new. Like alot of people, I've walked this path before. I'm just not doing it quite so gracefully this time.
I'm off for the next four days, with the boys schedule keeping me fairly busy for most of it. That's probably a good thing and the ONLY thing that's going to help lift me a bit from this funk. I have days like this occasionally where I let the reality of it all really inside my head and the best way to muddle through is by keeping busy.
For the record:
I hate my job. I hate the third shift guy Nikko. I hate how my feet kill me after I get done with a shift there. I hate not having money. I hate telling my sons they can't play ball this summer because Mommy's too damned broke to swing it. I hate knowing I'm real close to not being able to pay my phone bill. I hate feeling so tired and broken down and old and lost and wasted. I hate the fact that in ten days, I'll be thirty years old. I hate that I want to hibernate for a year or twelve. I hate having to rub pennies so fiercely that they're almost transparent. I hate feeling this way. I'm not a negative soul but damned if I don't feel that way today.
I'm going to go have a nice cry in the bottom of the shower and then I'm going to do my best to sleep a dreamless sleep.
Have a safe Friday.
N.

11:19 p.m. - 2005-03-03

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