nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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He fit.

I'm writing this as a reminder to myself.
Tonight, watching Trevor at baseball practice, I was moved. My normally backwards boy, my son who stays always on the perimeter and seems to be so much by himself, the boy who feels left out and alone, misunderstood and out of sorts... fit.
Initially, he hung on the fringes, not recognizing anyone and very obviously feeling out of place. He was hanging his head and his voice was muted, barely heard above the slap of baseball meeting glove. He was nervous and uncomfortable.
And then the magic started. Three of the coaches from his last year of baseball are his coaches again this year. They remembered him, called him by name and his head came up. Then Trevor recognized some of the boys on his team, as they showed up with their parents. It's amazing to see a child inflate with confidence. Even more amazing? To see it happen in a nano-second.
And once the practice started, he was right in the middle of it all. I sat for an hour and a half, watching my boy settle back into an activity as if he'd never stopped and saw him regain his sense of self. There's something about being involved in a sports scenario that just...defines him. The playing field is the only place I've ever seen him feel completely at ease, besides home. His normally not-so-graceful gait becomes smooth, his reflexes are quicker, he's congenial and he speaks the language. It's almost as if there's some indefinable lingo that connects them all, some invisible thread.
It's...awesome. I don't know how to explain it. My Trev, who typically can't seem to connect with anyone, who has all these personality quirks and issues, who in recent days has made me crazy, fit in. He made a connection with these other kids, and more importantly, made a connection with himself. In the midst of the sweat and flying baseballs, dusty knees and missed catches, it was everything he needed it to be.
That's heartwarming for me, because all I want is for him to be happy and healthy and whole. On a normal day, he isn't all those things. Today, he was. Today, he had friends and he felt like he belonged. In all my worries, I need to remember that he has areas he's whole in. I just need to remember what they are, and help him enter into those areas more often.
***
N.

9:13 p.m. - 2006-04-11

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