nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Entry number two for the day.
Ya know what? I wish like hell I could say I'm not bitter. Wish I could say I've dealt with everything cleanly and easily and have no baggage left to carry but I don't.
I think that makes me just as angry as his having the affair. It's nearly 8 months past...when does it go away? I thought therapy would help that and in some ways it has. But not enough. Not enough for me to not want to shred something at the thought that my trust was tossed back in my face like it was nothing. Not enough for the anger to have dissipated, anger that I was once again blind and stupid, anger that my judgement was so askew.
Hurt that I have to live in this town and constantly have it shoved in my face that she does to, that we have children around the same age, that she even breathes.
Logically I know that it's more his fault than hers...I know that.
It doesn't make it easier.
I hate that even for a smidge I've felt sorry for her. I hate that I can still let this hurt me so deeply, that I can't just box it up and get rid of it like yesterday's garbage.
I hate that it stole yet another little slice of my pride, my faith, my belief in human decency, my ability to trust.
I hate that I didn't see it and let myself be blindsided.
I hate them both. And I hate that I hate them. It's not a natural feeling for me.
I feel like a big bruise, all black and purple and sore. I'm raw tonight and wishing more than anything there was something to shut off my brain, long enough to go to sleep and try for a better day tomorrow.
But the rain's pouring down, I can hear it's tattoo on the deck and it's dark and damp and cool and I just want to be out in it...I want to be drenched and chilled to the bone and immersed in feeling something other than what I am.
When will I feel like a whole person again?

11:07 p.m. - 2006-09-18

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