nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Missing pieces

It's days like today that remind me how much I've missed in not having a regular mother. Days like today that make me glad I have boys instead of girls. I was fiddling around with the ancient Singer sewing machine and got beyond irritated, more at myself than anything else. How difficult is it to run a stinkin' sewing machine?! How hard can it be to thread it up, and sew in a straight, continuous line?
In my case, incredibly difficult. The thread kept breaking and when it wasn't snapping off, it wasn't stitching correctly. The stitches were haphazard, at best, and were skipping, missing and tangling.
I'm basically self-taught on this machine because a) it was given to me and I thought it was beautiful, b) I can't remember one itty bit about sewing from my 7th grade Home Ec class, c) I know absolutely NO ONE who sews. The one positive female role model I had who knew how to operate one of these monstrosities was my Grams.
Teaching one's self to run a sewing machine, especially an ancient one like I've got, isn't easy.
I sat there, defeated in front of this machine, feeling like a failure tonight. Wishing like hell I had a normal mother I could call and ask all the questions milling around in my head. I'm not saying that all mothers know how to run a sewing machine and if they don't, something's wrong with them. I'm saying that at least most mothers are approachable enough to be able to call and at least inquire. Past a certain time at night, calling my mother is inviting trouble or an argument. I either end up hanging up on a drunk angry woman or a drunk weeping woman, all depending on the situations going on there.
It's not a new thing, this wishing I had a "real" mother. I'm sort of clumsy at this whole being-a-girl thing. Even the sound of that is awkward. It's one of the most concrete reasons I'm glad I'm mom to boys. I wouldn't want to mess up a little girl. I do my best and sometimes succeed but lots of times I fall flat. I'm STILL learning the ins and outs of cooking, get simple haircuts because I have a heck of a time not burning myself around a curling iron or knowing what to do with all the gadgets girls get. I'm minimalist on make up because, to be 100% honest, I'm not really sure what to do with it. Shopping and I are NOT friends and I'm always more comfortable in a room full of men than a room full of women.
I'm not a masculine woman. I'm just not girlie.
I'm determined, though, to learn the ins and outs of this Singer. I want to make quilts for the boys. If I accomplish nothing else, I'll learn for that purpose.
I don't really need a mom. Not at 31.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
N.

9:06 p.m. - 2006-11-20

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